I'll try to keep my story brief.

I'm 31. Came from an abusive home. I spent the majority of my life avoiding people. I got fat. I barely spoke. Flunked my way out of school. Came very close to killing myself at least once. I manged to hold a job. Nothing fantastic, but enough to keep a roof over my head.

Since March I've begun to make some major life changes. I hit the gym. I started dieting. I've lost 40 pounds. I'm going back to school. I'm in therapy, both one on one and group. I'm also going to be trained so that I can lead NAMI support groups in the near future for others suffering mental illness.

Despite all that, I just can't connect to people. I worry that because I'm 31 and I don't have a core group of friends I'm never going to be able to make friends. Like maybe I'm too old now, or everyone's married off and busy with kids and mortgages.

I use meetup.com and find groups nearby, but nothing ever comes from joining them. I go out with a bunch of strangers. We do some activity for a few hours. There's some stilted conversation that goes nowhere. Then everyone packs up and leaves, and I'm back to being lonely.

Or worse, they snap pictures of me and put them on the site. When I see a picture of myself I become depressed for days at a time. I start contemplating suicide again. It's awful.

I worry that no woman will ever be able to find me attractive. I've lost 40 pounds but I'm still pudgy. I'm still losing weight, but sometimes I just feel like no matter how much I do I'm always going to have a baby face. I can be fat and ugly or slim and ugly. It won't make any difference.

The loneliness physically hurts.

Here's a pic from a few days ago. I can't do anything about my hair. I am doing something about the weight. I practice my smile in the mirror, but no matter how hard I practice it never looks right. My eyes are just dead. I hurt. I need someone. I need support. Warmth. Human comfort. But before I get those things I need to cure myself, apparently. It's a catch-22. How can I overcome lifelong depression without anyone in my corner of the ring?

ttp://imgur.com/TJKEefC

Add an H to see the image. I'm not allowed to post them yet, apparently. Sorry for bending rules.