Ellefino, to me it didn't sound at all as if you were talking about getting attention or anything of the sort. It sounded honest and confused and searching, all in a good way. Sometimes it helps a lot to get everything out. Then it's very normal to think, OMG, what did I just say?

It sounds to me like your orientation has always been toward bi attraction but for various reasons, maybe including Catholic guilt, you stuck with men. Now that you're separated, and a mature woman, you're again realizing the potential out there for romantic/sexual relationships with women.

If you decide to go in that direction, I have a couple of suggestions, which might be kind of difficult, but please think about them. First, keep alcohol to a minimum, and second, try to avoid a situation where a man might be coaxing you on so he can watch and get turned on.

The only reasons I suggest that is because it's made you feel weird in the past and it may not be the best way for you to relax and enjoy yourself.

As Sophiesmom suggested, make sure you're on the same page with your new friend and if you're not, there's a wide world out there with lots of people to meet. It would probably be good to avoid men with NPD. Women, too. They don't make the best partners.

It's not unusual for people to realize their true orientation sometime around your age, but from what you wrote -- and I read it all -- you've liked girls from a young age, far more than just some early experimentation. The fact that you went with men doesn't change that. Whatever you decide to do, please treat yourself well and with care. You deserve that.

I wish you the best.