Oh man. I'm sorry you're going through this. I really don't have any advice other that to say keep being honest with yourself... keep expressing how you feel. You'll figure it out. It's good that you know what you need in your relationship, and you're even aware that what you need may not be possible with your wife.
May I suggest you never assume anything. Always ask the questions you need to ask. Never assume what her response will be... and not ask the questions. I dunno... maybe let her read your post. You detail everything, your concerns, quite clearly although, I'm not sure if you're thinking your wife's affinity to men's shoes and clothes means that she's gay. But, if that's a concern, I say ask her. Lay it all out in the open. Do it nicely, lovingly... like you seem to be.
And, don't forget to listen, you know, actually listen and hear, what she says in response.
Don't stuff your unhappiness inside hoping it will disappear. It never does...