There. I said it. I don't seem to be able to figure out a way to do it that's not painful or won't land me in the ER with a tube up my nose, and honestly I don't really want to die. I just want to not be here.

Hubby and I are going to be literally homeless within the next couple of weeks. My kids talk a good game but won't take us in and let us live with them. I am so afraid of living in the car and being cold all the time---I know it sounds like a dumb thing to be afraid of but I am. I still can't believe how far (and how fast) we've fallen in the past six months. I never thought it would come to this.

I actually went through what I think was the worst part of the crisis yesterday. I spent three hours in the bathroom in the morning because hubby was out at the doctor's and running errands, and I was too scared to come out because I thought I might hurt myself. I knew where the gun was, and I could have found the pills if I'd looked hard enough. The bathroom seemed to be the safest place in the house. Now both the gun and the pills have been hidden again and all there is are the knives, although I'm afraid of pain and probably wouldn't slash my wrists.

So hubby medicated me with Ativan and let me sleep, and then last night a good friend called and we talked for over 2 hours. It helped, and today I'm not having as many of the bad thoughts as I did yesterday. People keep telling me to go to the ER since my pdoc's out of town, but I don't want to. I don't want anyone thinking I'm some drama queen. My situation sucks, and it's going to suck no matter what I do or don't do. It's just a sad situation when I'm worth more dead than alive---my husband would get better Social Security benefits than he gets now. Not only that, but he'd have a better chance at being taken in because it would just be him and I don't think the kids would allow their father, who has cancer, to live in a car by himself.

I don't know if this is making sense. I'm offloading here because I know you guys understand. I don't think I'm in imminent danger because I haven't done anything yet and I don't think I will. I just want to be out of this situation.