I hate what you are going through.. hate hate hate it.. I am worried about you hun. Just the fact that your brain as hopped down near the rabbit hole is a huge flag ! Im glad your husband was there to keep you safe.

Are you able to coast along using your Vitamin A and Z til your Pdoc comes back? You are not a Drama Queen. You know this isn't reality. I'm glad you had a good long call with a friend, that seems to always help.

Why has there been a change in your moving in with your son?

Your thoughts of your husband being better off without you is situational stress and Bipolar shifts being triggered talking . You know this. He would be destroyed if he lost you. Use Logic, self grounding. He needs you just as much as you need him.

Have you talk to anyone at your church? They may very well be able to help you in housing. Don't be afraid to ask. I know how you feel about asking for help , well this is a case of you just need help, nothing to be ashamed of. You worked all your life paying taxes so that many people received help. Now its time for you to get that help. Apply for any and all services that will help you right now.

If you head down that rabbit hole again, please get help then, right away... Make that promise with your husband.

Take care of you Reach out anytime you need to