had a really hard session today after a couple weeks of also really hard sessions.

i had called t on friday - really unusual for me to do so - and he called me back right away, reassured me. he told me he was glad i reached out. it felt so reassuring and safe. in our session on tuesday we even talked about how its ok for us to care about each other and it doesn't always lead to hurt.

then today i just ended up getting so angry but was so quiet and just said all these angry images. it feels like everything has fallen apart and its all my fault for getting angry. i sent an email and it was also really angry....i called him again and let him know i sent an email.

then i look and i got an autoreply saying he's gone until tuesday. he didn't mention being away today in our session. i felt awful. my heart was racing. i thought maybe he put it up just to avoid me in particular. i called him and just left a v/m saying i hated him (which i don't!) i am just pushing him away and yet wishing he would stay. it feels awful, like i am getting pulled in two pieces or like my brain is telling me to run away and get really close both at once.

it hurts so bad. i can't stand how mean i can me. i feel totally worthless and like i wouldn't be surprised if he just gets rid of me. i never used to get angry at him *at all* and its only been recently that i've even ever been able to acknowledge it. now its starting to come out and i can't seem to get a grip on it. its so, so scary.

how do u deal w/ anger at t? can u get angry? does t forgive you?

gonna be a long weekend.