amandalouise I was at psychiatrist, and he said that I don't have psychosis, shizoafective like I was worried, just depression and anxiety turned on all the time.. And with such heavy attacks and fear I probably should take meds :c But with my fear of meds I don't know how I supposed to even try, especially when I spend like 80% of a day alone:/ I fear I could do something stupid and there would be no one around to stop me...

Kiya I have told my first psychiatrist how I felt after meds, and she totally ignored this, just said something like 'meh, still take this meds', ignored that I started to fear even eating or staying alone coz of feeling that I'l die, and every other symptom.. even my very suicidal feelings-.- this one doc I was at in Thursday seems to be more idk, more like caring type, he seems to understand my doubts, and when I asked him for something light, he gave me hydroxyzine in liquid, I'll see how it will work for me drinking this everyday:c and I have to check thyroid again eh>.<

btw I know, no suicidal post on forum, but I wonder if only in my country people thinks when you talk about suicidal feelings/thoughts out loud you definitely won't do this, or in usa and other countries ppl are like this too? It started to annoy me lately, my sui feeling come and go like waves, just one of this very strong waves came to me about 15 min ago, but while typing now I feel it goes away... I texted friend and she just wrote 'you're telling me this, so u won't do this' and that's all, docs, mother, anyone I tried to talk about it because I'm scared that I might somehow kill myself, just ignore this like it would be just gibberish