indygerry, if you are going to have a homebirth - most likely assisted by midwives - you won't be restricted sexually postpartum. At least in my experience, and I do not know how it is in Canada, but in the US, I gave birth twice at the hospital and was told not to have intercourse for 6 weeks. I think it is a standard - and arbitrary - advice. When I had my third child at home, with midwives in attendance, I asked - it mattered because due to placenta previa I could not have sex for half of the pregnancy, even when the previa resolved and the placenta was just low-lying. They told me to just wait a couple of days. And I had sex - vaginal intercourse - probably on day 3 postpartum. And I lost quite a bit of blood during labor due to low lying placenta, but - again, since this is homebirth and not hospital birth - my then husband was told to cook steaks for me all the time to replenish the iron I lost with all that blood, and I was instantly active and up and about. In a hospital, they'd give you some horrendous mushy stuff that one cannot even call food. At home, a big steak at every meal (no, unless you lose as much blood as I did, you would not need a steak at every meal!).

So what I am saying is that the 6 week prohibition on sex is arbitrary - after a vaginal delivery (when I had the third one, she weighed 4 kilos, mind you, plus, I lost blood), unless you personally do not feel up to it, there is no problem with intercourse. Yeah, lochia for a while, but unless you personally do not like intercourse during menstruation, how are lochia different from menstrual blood? same blood. If you do not feel up to, or the H, then it is a different story, but in terms of medical issues, only the C-section warrants the prohibition.

When your baby is born, you probably will still have a lot of time for sex because babies sleep a lot and with the modern conveniences (a washing machine for cloth diapers or buying disposables - whatever you prefer; if you have a way to dry washed cloth diapers out in the sun on a clothesline, mmm, their smell is the most delectable fragrance) babycare is not particularly taxing. When the child starts crawling, then you will have no moment of peace, but not after the birth of the baby. What would be nice is making advance arrangements for food - deciding whether you'd cook ahead and freeze, or H would cook, or neighbors would help out - that is helpful.

If you nurse the baby lying on a FLAT / FIRM / FREE OF CUSHIONS surface (emphasis for safety reasons), then with any luck you might fall asleep, and the quality of such sleep is superb, or you would at least have superb relaxation (the hormone oxytocin makes all that stuff so nice). So it should not be viewed as a difficult time in advance. Of course, if you have a colicky baby, you would have a difficult time, but then you will cross that bridge when you get there. Assuming that you will necessarily have a difficult time may turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy via the mechanism of anxiety (your anxiety will be picked up by the baby just like that and the baby will be restless).

All the warm, sensual, cuddly things about having a baby - skin-to-skin contact, co-sleeping (again, but you know it very well, no cushions and the surface must be flat and even), wearing the baby - they are all pleasures, not work. Work will come later.

I do not think that the idea of a default presence of the father at birth is a good one. For millennia, women have been given birth in the presence of wise women helpers. The word midwife means with a woman, right? woman with a woman. If I ever have another baby, which is very very unlikely, but I do have my preferences for that occasion well defined, no father in the birthing room. There is no help coming from the father and I'd just be more self-conscious. Also, couples that have the father present at birth do split up - trust me, I know a lot of cases and have first hand experience. The idea that it is somehow bonding to the couple has proven wrong. It IS bonding for SOME couples, but history has proven that it is NOT bonding for every couple, at least in the long term.

So I would tell him to go for a walk and not even know in which room the baby was born and get done with the labor and birth, nurse the baby first things first, then when the baby falls asleep, have your birth attendants clean up and call the H only when the house looks as if nothing had ever happened - the baby was delivered by a stork.

I would discourage you from telling your H that your sexual needs are not being met. I would rather tell him that you want him, desire him, have passion for him - in those terms. It is a shame he feels what he feels, but given that you only have 2 months to go, I would pick my battles at this juncture - in practical terms, just initiate oral sex as you have been doing to keep it going, but not press further. IT IS A SHAME, of course, and you are very much worthy of commendation for being so open on the forum about the state of affairs, but - in 2 months life will be SO different, that I don't think it is worth a fight at present. Just 2 months to go till the finish line. And, the postpartum breasts are gorgeous, so - something to look forward to.

I am sorry if I run contrary to your feminist beliefs about the presence of the father at birth, but I intentionally do that, and invite you to place your beliefs and the history of having fathers present at birth in the vast context of world history. Clearly, humankind HAS been able to procreate without having fathers present at birth for the most part - right? Ancient Egyptians had a special birthing room in the house, but fathers were not present.

Also, in your case, if he is already voicing repulsion, why would you WANT him to be at birth? Do you want to be even more self-conscious than you already are?

Who are your midwives? If they are good women, I would run this problem by them and get their advice. They are out there in the trenches, and they have seen it all, in any kind of variation, countless times. Plus, they know you personally and might know the H already. See what they have to say about it (or she, if you have one midwife). Even if you do not necessarily plan to follow their advice, it is really best to disclose this problem, because such problems do affect the process of birth. For example, my midwife told me that sometimes, women are pregnant by a man other than their H, and it results in having an issue at birth, so she - the midwife - prefers to be in the know and anticipate things. I do not know about Canada, but am pretty sure that you have medical privacy laws, too - the midwives would keep anything you tell him completely confidential. that is their ethics and that is probably the law. So it is to them that I would turn for advice - plus, they would tell you if it would be OK for you to have intercourse soon after delivery. They are there for you - trust them. Forum advice is helpful, but the midwives are professionals and they know you, while on the forum there are lay people who do not know you. So it is probably best to collect the advice from the forum, collect the advice from the midwives - as complimentary to one another - and then proceed with caution and hope.

Have a safe labor and pleasant time bonding with your new baby!