And guess what - no panic! That in and of itself is pretty awesome.

'When Things Fall Apart' is the title of a book by the Buddhist nun and author/motivational speaker Pema Chodron. One of my doctors recommended it to me about a year and half ago. I only actually read part of it, because at that time I wasn't really ready to "hear" her message, which is "yes, bad things happen, life can be ugly and messy, but ... you can accept the bad, learn from it, and move on." I wasn't accepting of the bad at that time. I certainly wasn't willing to learn from it, and moving on was kind of in doubt. Survival was kind of in doubt.

The last month has been a slo-mo collapse. Finances - well, that's a ****ing mess of epic proprotions. Diet - I'm eating all kinds of crap I shouldn't, nothing I should, and I've packed on probably 8-10 pounds. I feel fat, bloated, uncomfortable, ugly, weak physically, and overall awful. Exercise - I've almost totally slacked on that. Missed tons of sessions. Giving excuses to my several trainers. When I have made it, I'm weak, unstable on my feet, and not giving a very good performance. Most of the time I don't even make it. Bike - Hell, I've been on my bike one time in about a month, and that was last Saturday - managed a whopping 10 miles, felt like crap and thought I was gonna pass out before I got home. And it was like 5 am, fricking cold, foggy, damp, and I was freezing to death despite having a lot of layers.

Sleep - I get NO sleep. Well, not much. But when I do, I dream. And not bad dreams, it's different. I can't say I sleep like a baby, but when I do get a little sleep, it's so DIFFERENT. It's restful, it's pleasant, it's not just a lapse of consciousness filled with nightmares and anxiety. It's pretty awesome, actually.

Morning, your toast, your tea and sugar
Read about the politician’s lover
Go through the day like knife through butter
Why don’t you
You dress in the colours of forgiveness
Your eyes as red as Christmas
Purple robes are folded on the kitchen chair

You’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight
In your dreams everything is alright
Tomorrow dawn's like someone else’s suicide
You’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight

Dreams
It’s a dirty business, dreaming
Where there is silence and not screaming
Where there’s no daylight, there’s no healing
No, no

You’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight
In your dreams everything is alright
Tomorrow dawn's like a suicide
But you’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight

Hope is where the door is
When the church is where the war is
Where no one can feel no one else’s pain

You’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight
In your dreams everything is alright
Tomorrow dawn's like a suicide
But you’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight

Sleep like a baby tonight
Like a bird, your dreams will take flight
Like St. Francis covered in light
You’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight

U2-'Sleep Like a Baby Tonight' from Songs of Innocence, 2014

Even been ****ing with relationships with people I know who I count on - pushing the limits of their patience - I guess i'm testing them, and myself.

You know what - I'm all pretty good about this. Because it means maybe I AM stronger than I gave myself credit for. I CAN weather the storm and come out on the other side.

November is dawning. Tonight is the Night of the Dead, Noche de los muertos - tomorrow is a new day, a new month, All Saints Day, Toussaint in French. A good time to start again. Johnny V 2.01. If it doesn't work, just keep pushing the power button, reboot, install some software upgrades, and don't give up.