Guilt about being on SSDI instead of working, Guilt about not being a contributing member of society. Guilt about all the pain and anger I caused others through my life. Guilt about how I can act like an impulsive child instead of more like a respectable adult. Guilt about going through all of my net worth while most others have saved for their retirement. Guilt about letting others down in a big way, particularly my daughter.

What is wrong with me where I cannot solve simple problems in math to help my daughter when I have a degree in Mathematics? Why have not I kept up with my daughter's progress in school? How come I have not helped her with her English, particularly when I have always known she needed the help?

I think it is this guilt that has helped hold me back, sapping me of my confidence and self-esteem. I see every day as a hurdle that I must manage to jump over instead of as a new opportunity, new possibilities for happiness. Why cannot I just enjoy each day of my disability instead of sitting on the couch and feeling guilty and depressed? Maybe there will be an opportunity for a job one of these days when I am ready for it? Instead I feel a sense of foreboding, like if I try, something bad is going to happen, like I cannot possibly cope or do anything that I really would like doing, the possibility of failure.

Boy, these frown lines are becoming a permanent feature of my face. A smile on my face is a distant memory.

PS: I wonder what comes first, the thought of failure or the overwhelming, simple feeling of failure?