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I had a horrible dream last night, I woke up feeling sick.
I had a dream that my step father was pressuring me to have sex with me. I was pretending to be asleep, and kept trying to move away from him. It was a disturbing dream. and I can't help but worry that maybe it's a blackflash that was kept hidden in my subconcious mind for all these years.
I have a horrible memory, I was sexually molested by a family member when I was younger, and I can hardly remember what happened, and how many times it happened. I know who it was, and remember one incident.
but I don't know if my step father ever did.
I can remember times of him making me feel extremely uncomfortable.
walking in to the bathroom when I'm in the shower.
(It was a stand up shower, with no curtain) or pressuring me to lay down with him on the couch. basically spooning me and feeling awkward.
He was extremely emotionally/physically abusive.
he was an angry hotheaded man who drank a lot of beer, and was controlling.he would tell me things like " your boyfriend doesn't really like you, he's just using you for sex, i know how men are" he would make comments on my apperance "you got fat" or " you should go back blonde, wearing dresses like you used to" he would follow me around in his car, sit outside my friend's houses, start harassing them, yell at me to go to bed when i was being quiet in my bedroom, reading/watching tv when i was 16, storm in to the bathroom when i was washing my face and getting ready to go to bed, tell me to go to bed, and then turn the light off knowing i was in there, call me names, black mail my mother "if you don't send her to a group home i'm leaving" He was just horrible. he would hit me and then lie about it to my mother. call the cops on me knowing i was on probation and would go to jail. go through my belongings, read my journals, listen to my phone conversations, and then yell at me to get off the phone.
He has been out right nasty to me, he's hit me, and made me cry, and then he would come sucking up, telling me he loves me. and then would bribe me in to taking me out to eat wherever i wanted, or buying me whatever i wanted. Almost like he didn't want me going to my mother. It felt like he was trying to get her agaisnt me , and on his side. He tried to make me out to be crazy. when really he just drove me crazy.
I heard that physical abuse can sometimes lead to sexual abuse? This isn't the first time I have had this sort of dream. I don't know how to feel.
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