I'm aware I'm bipolar, that I have some personality disorder but all I feel, all the time is like crap. I'm anxious, tired, sick, tearful, guilty and so much more. I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I just feel like everything is out of control and I hate not having control. Its been this way since I can remember. I can't bring myself to break down, let alone talk about anything. I always feel like I'd be some, or am, some huge burden to/on everyone. I hate this feeling. I know it's depression and I need my medications adjusted but now I have to pay to go in because I'm out of visits. I've always been one to let my emotions control me. I run from so many things because I don't want to accept my emotions. I don't want to deal with them. I'll be at work and get anxious for no reason and immediately run. It's why I'm having such a hard time keeping a damn job. "Just deal with it" is so many peoples solutions but I can't. I know I say I can't a lot too. I'm sure I could but I don't. I hate the feeling of being like this. I honestly would love to run away but I'm trapped in my crappy situation because of my emotions and lack of control. It seems like I can control them on the outside by not breaking down or losing it but on the inside I'm destroying myself. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and you can obviously see what I'm not in a good mood but when that happens I come off short or just keep quiet. Problem is it's all the time now. I need help and I don't see the point in paying what little money I have to see my therapist. So I will go to my psych when the date comes but then everyone says "how can you get better with pills if you don't believe they actually work?". I just don't know. Again I sit here and look at what I wrote and think, "that was a waste of time I'd rather have been sitting and staring off into nothingness or pretending to function".