Hello. I've never tried this online forum method of seeking out support. Fortunately I do have access to many friends, family, and professional support people -and- I have been shutting down socially so I decided to seek out a "safer" way of being seen/heard for a bit.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar when I was a senior in high school (2005). As a child (4th grade) I had my first mental illness diagnoses of anxiety, OCD, and depression. I had a difficult time connecting with therapists and psychiatrists. I was put on a number of anti-depressants, sleeping pills, and finally depakote over time. Internally I felt strongly resistant to being on medication. I had a belief that I wasn't getting "me for me" if my brain was altered.

I struggled for years with self harm, eating disorders, unhealthy relationships, suicidal ideation, "daddy issues", etc. I remained unmedicated, but sought out treatment with talk therapy and attempted self care with the practices of yoga, meditation, and numerous other healing modalities. I looked at my relationships, my diet, exercise, detoxed, and journalled much.

This past summer I went through a break up to someone (also bipolar) who I could remain manic with and after the split crashed and burned with a pretty intense and long lasting depression. I had a psychotic break that was marked by self injury and compulsive suicidal visions. I could barely do anything. It was a good day if I could get out of bed, stop watching You Tube, and make one meal. It ended up that I needed to leave my job where I was living to move back to my hometown to move in with my family.

I've been back home with my family and with the move, change in job, break up, and living with my parents again (dad is a trigger) I've been swinging again --- was manic with the move and now a month later am in deep deep depression again marked by severe tension headaches. Suicide has crept into my thoughts and dreams again.

I am looking at myself again and owning past diagnoses of bipolar and depression (I thought I was "over" it). I am humbled. My ego hates it, but I have reconsidered medication. I began taking lithium orotate a couple days ago and am seeking out weekly talk therapy again.

I hope to connect with people on here to feel less alone, to find more acceptance for myself, and to share in findings of what works/what doesn't in the quest for balance.

Blessed Be