Sorry for post, my mind is scattered a bit.

Not surprised your mind is scattered a bit. You're going through quite a bit here.

Wonder If anyone else feel manipulated or twisted by others.

Yes, other people can influence my mood and bring me further down especially when I'm not in a good place.

I can be in good mood and then someone will do their thing and I am all screwed up. It is like my freaking mood is dependent on the ppl around me.

I find being in different situations cause me to feel differently. At home, I am more relaxed and comfortable. At work, I'm on heightened alert and the smallest of things can trigger me. And it has a lot to do with "who" - who is saying what because I can tolerate some people more than others.

I can go from really good mood one minute then in tears.

When I'm in a mixed state - this is exactly how I react. Do you get mixed episodes or are you more of a rapid cycler?

I realize to that I can start having SI when someone else starts talking or insinuating about suicide. Is that normal? I can't imagine this is normal.

Yes, this is completely normal and happens to me. It can throw us back into a dark place and remind us of when we had S thoughts. I was torn apart for days after Robin Williams .... And my mood before that had been fine.

How can my mood be so influenced as easily by others. This is starting to cause me to stay in and avoid ppl. How does that end? What is reason I can't just say screw others and do my own thing?

You are emotionally vulnerable and the coping mechanism you've developed is one of flight. Your mind is saying I'm better off not seeing people than being hurt by people. It keeps you "safe". You sound like you also have a vulnerable sense of self worth. Sometimes I go through extremes where I think stuff that I wasn't put on this earth to be liked by everyone and there will always be people who don't like me as much as there will be people who do like me. It begins to get dangerous when I start to think nobody likes me and this is usually triggered by major external events and the negative self talk that comes from depression.

I am feeling extremely triggered tonight and in a dark place. I don't like it. Was my birthday the other day and only two ppl said anything. Is it bad to think that I hope not to see my fiftieth birthday? It is dark, but I never wanted to live this long. I don't know. Not sure anyone would get that thought.