For the longest time I've been able to kind of push the memories of my sexual abuse away, or rationalize them... For a while I even got good at lying to myself about how those memories make me feel, but lately my life has gotten so overwhelming that I have been forced to stop everything and reassess how I am living. I don't want to do things to numb the pain anymore, or ignore those dark parts of myself. I have been doing a lot of introspection, and it seems that the abuse is all I can focus on lately. I have been experiencing running thoughts, and I am in a lot of pain... I am okay with that, for the first time ever I accept that I feel like complete and utter ****. I am letting myself look there, and really feel ALL of the emotions that accompany traveling to that place inside of myself.

I think shame is the hardest one for me to feel, and I have figured out exactly where/when my feelings of shame started..When my father first started molesting me, I was too young to understand that the way he was touching me and the things he was doing were sexual; I thought they were caring acts. He would talk to me in this fake sweet/tender voice... I even enjoyed the attention he gave me, especially because my mother was always so irritated with me, and often cold/distant. I just thought he loved me and that the things he was doing were a way of showing he cared (I wanted to feel loved).

Then I reached an age where I realized that what he was doing was sexual, and it made(makes) me feel really gross that at one point I enjoyed that attention. When I fully understood what he was doing to me, I started to just mentally check out of my body when it would occur (and I still have issues with daydreaming and detaching from my reality to cope with stress). I know logically that I was not sick/gross for having enjoyed the attention, I was just too young/naive to really understand what was happening to me. I wanted affection, and my father gaslighted/manipulated me.... But it is still really hard for me to accept that piece of myself.

I think I am finally ready to seek out a therapist (I have never been to one), I don't want to be on any medication, but I am tired of trying to figure all of this out on my own. Has anyone here been able to fully accept this part of themselves through therapy?