I hope i'm not going to be judged, i seek for finally opening up as i'm starting to seek answers and it's long overdue and very traumatic to me, i really need help and understanding, thank you so much for reading. Please i beg for your with a reply or opinions, any thoughts will help immensely.

A background

I was 5 when my mom told she should have aborted me and since then i'm a depressed person, she always preferred and showed love for my brother, often comparing us and criticizing me, not only between me and he but any girls my age. There was constantly beatings and psychological abuse, she insinuated i had you know what with my brother or my father and so i tried to avoid them to prove to her i was pure, so in consequence i stopped playing and being a child too soon and was afraid of boys. There was bullying at school and at home and i remember the 1st time i wanted to die i was about 8. I cried everyday and things got worse with my brother joining her then at my teens my father also stopped talking to me.

about us

I was a teenager when i met my ex. He was my 1st love, i was beginning to love myself and find self coincidence. He was unnaturally attached to his brothers, 2 older sisters and 2 brothers to a point that me and their boyfriends, girlfriends felt left out. I soon got the feeling the older sister was trying to mess with us, we only talked once a day but at that call she had something to show him on tv and he once left me waiting for 5 minutes. I resented her more and more. Once he didn't want to go to a club because i didn't want to hang with that weird gang and 30 minutes later after hanging up the phone the older sister convinced him to go. There a random girl asked if he was this guy knowing his entire name and then the older sister told him i sent a friend to spy on him, he asked if it was true but already accusing me, i didn't do that although i was furious and disappointed he went and he clearly believed in her.

He insisted on having sex and although i was over 16 i wasn't ready, and this was the big problem between us.
I had other boyfriends before him but he had only one and was constantly fighting me over jealousy. I also started tons of fights for the same reason but would never say why i was angry, now i understand i never had support to mature my feelings so i hid them. I held so much for he staring at other girls, showing preference towards blondes when i'm not, saying that if his older sister wasn't his sister he'd date her cause she's her type (it offended me to no end cause i thought he was saying he doesn't accept me cause i'm immature and she was too mature, older, calm when i'm an angry person) and that made me close myself even more and made me angrier cause i was tired of comparison that my mother always did with other girls. I felt i wasn't good enough for him and wouldn't reply his declarations of love.

I broke with him 3 times out of not being even able to look at him any more with so much built up anger inside that i always kept secret only to realize weeks, months later that i loved him and go back.
The second reconciliation he told me his mother abandoned him when he was 5. I knew i couldn't continue to break up with him cause being left was his trauma. The brothers continued to get into my nerves as they not only lived together seeing each other everyday but leaving me awkwardly aside when we hanged on weekends but when we didn't meet he still'd talk about them and constantly ask for us to go out all together, i constantly felt how much he preferred them over me and this way of that family disgusted me at the same time making me feel like a monster for they were all extremely weirdly attached because of their mother, but couldn't shake the feeling on being left out on purpose, they 'd even ask him how he's been when they just saw him in the morning while not asking me who hadn't seen them sometimes in 3 weeks cause i tried to avoid hanging with them so they don't think it's my obligation and that if they wanted my presence they should at least make me feel a little welcomed, and sometimes start a conversation, not like it was with me constantly going to each room after them and starting one.

But with so much anger inside, no close friends cause at that point i lost 2 fake girlfriends that done me wrong and with him being so jealous i got further apart from my 3 best guy friends, i was alone and with horrible fights at home cause i felt they were all against me plus my father was taking my salary from me and i felt like a slave for even now giving them money they still treated me poorly. I ended up breaking with him for the 3 rd time, never sleeping with him and all hell broke lose. He promised for all 1 year we dated that no matter we were together or not we'd be friends forever, but he kept avoiding me. Weeks went by and all i wanted was to tell him what i couldn't for all that year, that i didn't trust him for the way he acted and talked of other girls, not to mention one of these girlfriends i lost was because she hit on him after we started dating. And i wanted to explain how his family drove me nuts being so weird, and that they didn't treat me right, but also that he preferred them a hundred times than me. But he didn't want to talk to me and when we finally met he yelled at me and i froze, not being able to say what i planned and rehearsed so many times. He got into his house and when i went after him his brothers formed a wall, i'm not kidding, literally stopping me from getting close to him, and that was it.

All he talked about was having babies early like his older sister and moving in together at only 18 yrs old, and i knew it was too soon and believe d he said that just to sleep with me, what i always saw by the way he forgot me when with his family and how when they weren't around he'd talk about them not just in passing but the day's main topic that he didn't enjoy me, for all the lack of love i grew up dying to have the way he treated me was the 2nd moso painful thing i went through cause i really loved him. I broke up with him few times but he suggested we broke up two times as if it was nothing when i confessed my father didn't accept his race, this was another resentment i held as a poison against him, that he seemed ok to break up with me. Also he threatened to break up if i didn't stop smoking, wich i did shotgun for him.

I never went back this deep since then, 17 years ago and wow, my stomach is burning, it's like living it all over again. I felt they were the mafia and i couldn't get in.

If you read it, thank you very much. I really would love whatever you have on this, please. I held this inside for too long and it never stopped hunting me cause i don't understand the whole picture, i kind of understand me but not him or his family, which i actually loved, envied and wanted badly to be a part of but i feel they didn't accept me.

I need opinions, to discuss this, advices on how to move on cause i'll confess, this all traumatized me, after them i started having phobias, anxiety attacks, the depression got worse, i never stopped thinking about thwm but can never understand and again i continued to hide this all after so it's like it happened yesterday. I'm deciding to reach out and open up, i'm kind of traumatized on opening up cause as a child she always told me i was wrong, it was my fault and i guess i'm still afraid of being judged like that.

Thank you for whatever help, God bless you all.