Thank you for all your suggestions.
This week things have escalated. I called the police on Tuesday because things were just crazy. J freaked out cuz I walked into their bedroom to tell my sister that our mom was in the hospital. My sister gave me the baby so he wouldn't have to listen to it and then J put the baby in the middle. Thats why I called 911. The police came and gave my sister some resources. Their was no ground at the time to arrest J but he left for a bit to cool off. He was totally pissed at me though. Wed things weren't horrible just everyone avoiding each other. Thursday my sister found out the baby had some health problems. When she told J he flipped out, saying that going to the dr was a waste of time and money and that if god made him this way then that's the way it should be. If it's his time then it's his time. When I got home J was trowing things all over the house, yelling things that didn't make sense and just screaming in general. My sister was saying things like She can't handle life anymore, if it wasn't for the baby she would have killed herself already and she knew how she would do it. Eventually my sister gave me the baby and shut us in my room. She was trying to keep J out and I could hear him hurting her. So I called the police again. I think he was drunk. J left and the police were looking for him and she kept saying things like it's all her fault and she regrets having me call the cops. J came back in the middle of the night and my sis didn't want me to call the cops again. But he came up stairs and started yelling and throwing things and threatening our lives. So I called the police again. They were in our neighborhood, canvasing the area and so they were there right away and arrested him.
Well he went to court yesterday and I don't totally get this but I guess since this is his third offense so it makes it a felony. (only the first toward my sister) and since he is an immigrant he will probably be deported. I honestly think that this is the best thing possible because I'm sure my sister would take him back. My sister though is feeling like this is all her fault and that she should have tried to get hime help. Last night I thought I kind of helped her realize that even though she's sad, misses him, and etc that it's not her fault. If he didn't have the priors then this one wouldn't be the one that sent him away. I told her she is protecting herself and her son and that witnessing all of this is not good for the baby. She told me that things were worse than even I knew. That he pulled her down the stairs by her hair, and that he's told the baby he's a mistake. I thought we were making progress.
Well today she is saying she did everything all wrong. She should have filed for divorce or just have left, and that now J hates her and the baby will hate her cuz she got his father deported. J's mom is also giving her a hard time and making her help bail him out. (legally they aren't supposed to have any contact with each other.)
I jsut don't know what to do. I thought what I should be building her back up. He's been verbally and emotionally abusing her for so long that she has no value of self worth. I've been trying to tell her she did nothing to deserve this and the is strong for doing what she did. Last night it felt like it was working but today I feel like its making it worse.
Has anyone been on either side of a situation like this? How much "support" is too much? I don't want to alienate her, but I just don't know what else to do. She keeps saying she's ruined all of their lives and that is shouldn't have worked out this way. What can I do? I'm trying to get her to find some sort of emotional support--a support group, or hotline, or therapist or something. Also J was a stay-at-home dad and now she doesn't know what to do for child care. I just want to help but don't feel equipped to do so. Any suggestions? Any help would be great!