Hi Kori, really sorry you're having such a hard time, and NO you're NOT batshit
I'm afraid that I can't speak from personal experience either, but I know that plenty of people who have suffered from abuse follow through with the same or similar feelings/SI you're experiencing. And of course it's understandable.
You know we could talk about SI coping techniques..........distraction............journaling.........replacing it with..............and some of those may help "as much as they can", but I'd say that a real important thing in this is to get some (more?) help with what happened to you. Are you getting some help with it, right now???
And although I know this might not mean much (if anything) to you right now, but please try not to hate yourself. You didn't choose for the abuse to happen, the abuser/s had no right to be hurting you then, and they/what they did certainly have/has no right to be hurting you now. I'm sure no-one on here would/should see you as disgusting as a result of what happened to you, so please try to "give yourself a break". I know all that is so much easier read than actually believed/felt for you but................

Alison