Thank you, hvert. I feel pretty disturbed too. It would have been a nice visit, if not for her going on and on about funeral expenses.

I think what I would want to do, in terms of the church service, would be an option, as long as it doesn't cost the family any extra money. So I would have to make sure I can cover the extra expense of doing it. I would do it right away after him passing away, and it would just be me at the service.

She was talking about having a memorial get-together a month after him passing, when it's convenient for her sibs and her. I guess more and more people do things that way. People should do whatever they want. She said the cremated remains could be brought to the VA cemetery, at that time, for military honors and placement in a permanent resting spot.

To me that's not a funeral. I don't mind that other people have different customs. But this is no more the custom among her people than it is among mine. I feel like saying to her, "Why didn't you get your mother cremated, if that is such a cool solution?" She made sure that everything traditional was done for her mother - church, normal burial in a normal grave. She goes regularly to put fresh roses on her mother's grave. But she talks about going out on a boat and dumping her father's ashes at sea, as a possible option. If someone had suggested doing that for her mother, she would have become hysterical.

In my family, everyone gets treated the same in death, regardless of how popular they were in life . . . . or what poor choices they made. In our tradition, you don't have to "earn" the right to a traditional funeral and burial. You get that just because you are a human being. My parents buried 2 relatives who had no money for a normal funeral. Both were alcoholics. That's the values I was raised with. Not "Let's see how cheap we can do this, since this person doesn't deserve better."

But to have things your own way costs money. I could possibly raise $4000, and maybe that would finance what I want to do . . . at least for the church service. Maybe then they would let the body go back home in one piece. Then they could do what they want.

I've become depressed over this. Now I kind of wish she had never come out, and I would just be focused on his care at the present, which is enough for me.