Hi Feliz, hey GREAT step contacting a counselor considering your difficulties talking about your feelings in the past!!!
When I said you'd come a long way..............!!!!
And being scared of having depression or anxiety, well I can understand that because you're right it can be severely hard to live with either for some people but they really aren't a "one size fits all" either. There can be so many "shades" of them. And you know there's nothing whatsoever to say that this has to be a permanent thing for you either.
And different things/coping skills can sometimes help a lot too, including talking about things, another great thing about you having contacted a counselor.
You'll certainly find things on here as well which can help with anxiety (if you haven't tried some already) e.g. breathing techniques, grounding techniques, mindfulness.........
As for understanding though, that's great if you can do it, and you might be able to especially with help opening up, reflecting on things but there won't always be a "logical" explanation. If not, that can be OK too though. Sometimes it can be a matter of gradually working through things and finding things/support that can help you "to the other side".
And you know with the bereavements you've had.............it might be really hard for a while and there's no time scale on grief, but you know time and real support can help a lot.
And: "That would make matters worse for my family............" try not to go feeling bad/worse because of the effects on your family, hey??
You haven't chosen to feel this way, it's not your fault. Time to focus on you now, hey?? And getting the help/support you need
And I hope we can help you in that too!!!
Alison