Interesting theory, Carrie. But the first thing everybody finds out about me is that I never let myself off the hook. Your way takes the blame off me and attributes it to some mysterious "process." But this one is all my fault. I chose to quit school. I chose to spend 8 years in dead-end jobs when, if I'd not run off to another state chasing a guy I barely knew (long story for another time, and it contributes to my trauma), I could have been building a career. I chose to defer for at least 15 years the dream I've had since I was 9 years old. I have never wanted to be anything but a journalist. I was 12 credit hours away from graduating with a degree from one of the top 5 journalism schools in the country. *I* threw it away. So I'm not going to pin this one on a "process" -- it's all mine.

Today brings new problems. A priest (I work for a Catholic paper) who repeatedly molested a 9-year-old boy (who is now in his early 20s) and is saying the KID was the aggressor (right-o), is going to enter a guilty plea soon as part of a plea bargain. Tomorrow the suits are holding a conference in court to decide when Fr. Pervert will appear to do that. The Catholic newspaper in New Jersey, where this guy most recently lived, wants the story. My boss asked me to do it.

My boss doesn't know about my sexual abuse. My THERAPIST doesn't even know, in detail. We've been working on trying to get me comfortable with telling him. I trust him completely, but I've never told anybody details, ever, and it terrifies me, sends me into panic attacks at the thought, etc.

My choices are: Do the story and potentially set myself back quite a bit, or have to deal with flashbacks while I'm sitting there, or whatever, or, tell my boss why I can't do it and have her assign it to somebody else. My boss knows about most of my mental health stuff and is wonderfully understanding and concerned. But if I try to get out of it, I have to have a reason -- "I don't want to do this" isn't good enough.

I'm still overwhelmed, and I still want to cut, badly and often. When does this get easier?

Candy


There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers