Kiya I see, I can't recall any Polish actor/musician/etc who would suicide, it's very rare here, so maybe that's why ppl are careless about this topic and don't take it serious..
I wonder now if maybe my suicide feelings and thoughts are OCD? like this obsessive thoughts about being possessed etc... My life sucks since 4 years, but generally I want to live.. today I had thoughts like I don't want to live on this planet anymore probably thanks to my parents and what psychiatrist said, 'you are wasting your life', it hit me hard because I know this very well, I hear everyday how old and useless I am, but how am I supposed to live when I have anxiety panic and agoraphobia and no one really tries to help? >.>
I checked and there is suicide hotline, from monday to friday, 4pm-9pm.. great, my not dear suicide thoughts, wait till monday, even if you are coming right now eh. I don't feel fear of killing myself like before, just heavy derealization and damn thoughts.. good that I found that forum I feel this is the only place where ppl understands me