Hello everyone,

My name is Javier. I am 23 years old new to relationships. In July of this year I felt ready to start a relationship so I talked to a girl who caught my attention. After a couple of dates I began to feel really comfortable with this girl since we had many of the same beliefs and morals. This was my first time dating, ever. Now we've been dating for almost 4 months. We have become really close to each other. I knew that she's been in a couple relationships before me and when I started to think about becoming intimate with her I would think about her not being a virgin and I would get a really strange feeling, since I've always wanted to lose my virginity with another virgin. I felt angry at times.

Anyway, I got over that by telling myself that she didn't look like the type of girl to give it up so easily. However, a couple of days ago we were having an intimate conversation that eventually led to her asking if I had a problem with her having had previous sexual partners and I told her the truth; that it did bother me. But that I was able to work through it. This conversation kinda woke up the need to know more about her previous relationships. I am really not the type to ask invasive questions but it was eating me up inside not knowing for sure how many sexual partners shes had and if she did it because she loved them or for other reasons. I have really strong feelings towards this girl. I was planning on asking her to be my girlfriend in a couple of days.

So today I had the courage to ask her what I wanted to know to move on to the next part of our relationship. I wish I never had asked her. She revealed to me a really dark secret. She told me that she had been raped when she was about 16-17 years old by one of her cousins friends who had gone with them to watch a movie at a drive in theater. I was in shock. I felt angry. I wanted to find and hurt the bastard who did that to her. So moving along, she attempted to tell her cousins but no one believed her. Told her to shut up and stop being stupid. Point is she kept to herself. Never told anyone but me.

She also revealed to me that after the incident all she could think of was sex and had a relationship with a guy who kept asking her for sex and she eventually gave in. The second guy she had a relationship with she had a really strong physical attraction that eventually let to an emotional relationship (this I can understand why she did it). Now I didn't change how I acted around her I still kissed her, touched her, hugged her, and thanked her for telling me this.

I decided that I want to help her and be there for her. I just want to know why she never told anyone. Another thing that REALLY concerns me is that somehow what she likes sexually is related to the rape. She told me she likes to be choked and enjoys sex in doggy style position. It's really hard for me to share this but I want to know how I can help her. Is this some sort of paraphilia caused by the assault? I am not sure if I can deal with that if we ever get intimate. Please help I am a mess and I can't make sense of my emotions.

Thank you everyone in advance for being here!