I haven´t been here very much the past month because actually I have been feeling a lot better and was more engaged with all kinds of things I want to do in my life.

I would like to share here, that I did an Online-therapy for PTSD that helped me very much, I feel.

I really think now that it is possible to feel totally "normal" again, I feel that I am sewing my life back together, that got a big rip in the middle with trauma.

I feel a lot more "normal" I feel more connected to my past, to the world, I feel more "natural" and less cut off, i feel that what happened to me was more "normal" and I think I understand it more now.

I still get anxiety though and I have been wondering if it has more to do with not having a father, than with the way he died now.

I have read that you can keep a connection with a loved one even after he died, on the inside, even when you have realized and accepted that he is gone on the outside.

I feel like I am more capable to do that now, because thinking about him, is not so confusing anymore. I understood what happened, I think.

I feel that keeping him "on the inside" could give me security and strength, as opposed to before where I was in denial that he ever existed.

I want to keep him close to me, on the inside, I want to remember that despite his death, I am still his daughter.

I want to be going from thinking "I don´t have a father"
to "I have a father, who died."

I am not quite sure how to go about it. Sometimes, when I go to special places, like his grave or the hospital he died in, it´s like I can still "feel" him, and I am very aware of his prior existence and death.
So I thought about going regularly. However, I am usually so wound up in whatever is going on in my life, that strangely I don´t feel the "wish" to go, so I don´t know if I still should...

I just want to integrate him more, I think.

I am sorry if it seems off topic here, I don´t know if anyone else has PTSD related to the death of a loved one and knows about this...

Also I wanted to share my positive experiences

I have been thinking about seeing a therapist who specializes on complicated grief who could sort of help me keeping a connection....