Trigger warning for anyone who cuts or suffers from an eating disorder.

It has been several years since I've cut, and I honestly have only had a handful of urges since then. I thought I was over it for good this time. But today the urges are so strong, they just came out of nowhere. I feel more depressed than usual today for no reason. Why is it that self-harm is always the first thing I crave for relief when I'm depressed? I'm past the point where I have many negative thoughts about myself, which is what I thought was fueling my cutting behaviors before, yet this urge to cut is still so strong.

Also, it's not just cutting. I have had issues off and on with eating since I was a teenager (I'm in my late 20's), but never enough to actually be classified as an eating disorder. It's more that I just like the idea of hurting myself. When I make myself vomit my meals until I'm throwing up blood, or when I go on starvation binges, it's more that I get off on the fact that I'm causing myself pain than simply a desire to lose weight. I am currently struggling with a drug and alcohol problem also, and I've been taking a certain drug that helps curb my appetite just because I like the unhealthy, emaciated look it gives me.

I don't understand this about me. There is nothing logical about my current urges for self-harm, yet I can't seem to talk myself through this urge (and because it has been so long since I've cut, I don't have any nice, sharp razorblades to use. Damn).