I feel I'm ugly. I feel I look not that attractive not the once least bit physically. I am working out a lot more to accomodate my stress on it. I am getting rid of everything I hate about my body on the outside. I'm only 160 male, and I am currently still losing weight. I was over weight, then under weight and underweight before that. I am going back to a normal weight, but I want muscles and it's coming out good so far. I love what exercise has done for me so far.

I hate how I look, I feel like my chizelled face is ugly to me, I think that's normal to hate how they look, but damn. I don't feel I don't measure up to someone else's expectations, because of the reactions I get or maybe I can't read people right.

I truly feel, that I maybe expecting too much out of another person. I don't know, I just get the feeling I'm so hated, or that I'm ugly. I know my insecurities all lie in the superficial and my pain is in the deep roots of people calling me ugly a lot or people passing me up all the time.

I tell myself I'm attractive to ease, but it makes me feel like I'm overexaggerating.

I hate my beard, I hate my hair, I look like a girl. I don't intentionally mean to, but I feel like it's not that looking like a female or feminine is a bad thing, but in my circumstances it's caused lots of problems. I don't understand.

I am stuck with who I am, I feel like every time I go out in public, I wish I could put a bag over my head. I just want to hide.

I think what's gotten me the most upset everyone is so superficial, I'm not what they want me to be on the outside, he's probably not a good person deep down assumptions. That's normal, but the fact it's happened to me so much more. The fact I act awkward or uncomfortable around females who flirt with me, because I don't think they are sincere with my looks. I think I maybe narcassistic. I don't know I'm so confused.

I just want to be a model, I want to be all I imagine myself, as someone objectified and desired, it sounds crazy, but I really want it. I'd kill to be what I'd imagine myself, I don't care what people would say about me. I want them to like me, I don't get it enough or ever. I mean even if it loses it's flare of being special, I don't care. I am so deprived, I feel that my self esteem doesn't rely on others, but damn can people try to be friendly or notice me. I be open honest and positive and happy and people are superficial dicks. Flat out if you look like a gorgeous person or guy with lots of body muscles, or a certain type of face, baby face whatever, or even have tats.

People like that make me mad and people who say they aren't like that, but actually are and lying about it to me expecting me to get all worked up. Really piss me off. It's not fun or hot, it's telling me to go **** myself you ugly mother ****er. Seriously it's what people treat me like.

I don't want to be near anyone, because if I'm not that good looking all the time or have anything they want to take from me I'm worthless.

It's why I can't stand anyone trying to come up with me, I feel everyone is fake to some degree and the people who are realistic are just my friends sometimes they think I still are in love with them or infatuated like before. I'm like no, "back the **** off. I'm not going to go on your knees and beg for you to notice me. Seriously I'm not something you showcase or use. I'm beyond hateful and angry and sad and hopeless, and feel heart broken because people only care about me in the most superficial way." Making friends for life is nearly impossible, I'm saying my friends for life are real they just moved far away and contacting them is near impossible. I'm alone hating myself, wishing I could leave here and be more like them...

I wish my parents knew or even cared about this, instead of saying, quit complaining you need to go to work and stay at a job. I am working my *** off, I go to work to avoid you mom and dad and all my friends.

When people try to start something with me, I told some guy who was getting all road rage with me while crossing the street, to "go watch yourself you mother ****er" I told him to "suck a ****!" "*****!" Because my patience is at zero so many damn years. I'm putting up with people's **** and all I want to do is shoot myself in the face and just go away.

It's that toxic relationships and people are cancerous and so many I can't let anyone in that long. When I suspect bs, I shut them out. This girl who is nice and is a friend of mine. I don't mind her being a friend, I appreciated her reaching out, but the fact she's trying to get close she won't.

I feel lied to, every girl who ends up being my friend does this to me that I almost had feelings for. She did or maybe still does for me, but it's bs when they pull my damn strings tell me how awesome and perfect I am. Ignore me for a long time, and shut me out when their best guy friend takes over their life and shuts me out like I'm a casual guy she doesn't know.

Seriously, NO ONE HAS A SOUL! I can't stress how much I want to die, because people are ****ing with me. I can't say or do so much to push them away they keep coming to me. Man, they don't truly appreciate me. That's it, that's why I want to kill myself. I don't feel in anyway valued or appreciated no matter how hard I tell myself. It's why I say I'm the ugliest person earth, I'm hideous, I need to starve myself, I need to dress right. I need to talk right, I need to make lots and lots of money, I need a car and house and everything to prove I'm worth something.

This is why I want to kill myself. No one wants me here, just to have me around them as an accessory I can't dissociate myself from this, because they are everywhere. I leave one group and end up in another, I go to from the hood to churches, to college parties, to social outings in a park for a 5k run, it's like no matter where I go. I can't leave these insane inhuman people.

What the **** is wrong with me? Am I so much of a problem? Am I too hard on myself? people don't give me a straight answer, because they don't have the balls to tell my face what they feel.

People get mad or annoyed I act the way I do, because I don't give a ****. I don't care if I hurt your feelings if it's going to help you it should, but if you hurt me. Why should I even bother trying to forgive you, I'll forgive you anyways and say it's not my problem, but why should I even bother being around anyone.

I get ignored 24/7 why can't I be famous, why can't I just have what I want. In the end, I'm seriously will kill myself when I can't do what I've wanted to achieve from my hard work. This **** is too much and people don't care they lost my credibility and I lost theirs, the world doesn't revolve around me they say all the time. I tell myself how horrible I am because it doesn't, and I have to lie to my heart, I'm not worth it, because my mother and father tell me to shut up stop complaining, my sister, my family, and everyone except my therapist tell me I shouldn't worry about what others think, but they are the ones constantly telling me how bad I am, always telling me I can't do enough, I gotta do this and that. You shouldn't be so mad, you should feel guilty for feeling..

Seriously, they'll never know why I would of died, or try to lose 150 lbs and try to be underweight. They never will have the patience or heart to stand being around me and actually want to give me encouragement for staying at my job, for caring about my daughter who was aborted and not wanting to leave her before finding out, the fact I never cheated even if I badly wanted to, the fact I put my effort into myself to be around my friends as happy as I can be, the fact I put so much effort to be perfect for myself that they don't see, the fact I got signed to a label, the fact I care about them and do my best to show it, the fact I am not in jail or fighting people or being immature.

No I don't get the recognition ever, I was raped by a predator different predators people call me the spawn of satan for the lack of understanding. Since I've not killed myself as a child, and I'm still alive still wanting to die feeling trapped by the people who say they care, but are my perpetrators.

There is no such thing as emotional neglect or abuse in their mind, it's grow the **** up and be a man and you need to not beat yourself up so much, because I'm beating you up so you don't have to.

Seriously I make these posts because I can't do it in the real world, I'm not allowed to my mom will call the cops if I say any of this. Everyone hates me enough from this, it's nothing I can do. I'm not sorry for myself, I just want to kill myself, because these people are crazy they believe so firmly something about me and it's admiring the effort they do, but it's how they do it. It feels like I'm being abused truly does, it feels my needs are less important than there and they have to dump all their **** on me like I'm a trash bin.

The fact people see it happen, and tell me to ****ing grow up and stop whining. You'll never know why one day, I'll just leave. I won't have a phone or be around people. One day I'll be invisible and when the fbi finds me from a lead they'll find a body hopefully, because I'm not going back to prison alive.

That's why I can't relate to anyone, I'm trapped behind mean, stupid people, who don't care about my feelings only theirs. I can't relate to anyone anywhere even on here. I am probably mentally ill, but I'm so desensitized emotionally a man died in front of my face at my work choking on his food and had a heart attack and my face was cheery like I'm about to make jokes and which I did, not knowing the severity. Deep down, I grieved for him, because he's suffered enough, and I hope I gave him some sanity and hope when I served him some food. This is what keeps me motivated. "I just want to help people, because the people who are helping me,
"suck" I want to go away from them. I'm cutting the umbilical chord and they can't stop me and being independent how I want to be, unless they call the cops to get their way."

Who I am referring to in the quotes is my parents. My "friends"are a whole nightmare I think I just explained to big to discuss.