What a horrid few days! I was so speedied up that I got my house sparking from top to bottom!! I've felt like so many people, so strange in my own body, so alien.

Felt like a chick trying to hatch itself out of its shell and all I could do was sit and wait.

I just picked up my journal and pen and wrote the following. written with such speed and with my eyes blurred, not from tears but from a dissocated blurredness, where it feels like you are the body for smoeone else that is trying to communicate, once it was out its like all my mania stopped, soothed.....:

"No matter what anyone does today it cannot change the past. Know matter how much T stays with me, or anyone stays with me, it doesn't change the times I was abandoned, It doesn't make the past go away.

Some how I need to look at the past, ignore what I can't control todoay but really see how powerless I was.

The fact I was placed with new parents by people I never knew. Remember that awful day mum told me about it. It doesn''t matter if T sat with me 24/7, that doesn't help the child inside, she needs to come out now, needs to talk about how it was.

T being there now doesn't change the past, that part of me is trying to carry T with her and rescure her, physically that can't be done, she was alone when she experienced that stuff.

History cannot be changed, I've run from that state lf aloneness trying to make it all better by getting people to "see" me now. I can never go back, I have to accept I ws alone then, that I feel angry at T because she wasn't there then.

I feel I want to acccuse T of not caring, but how could she? Shew wasn't there, so who am I really accusing? My mothers? They were there, they did this, they didn't care, and I was alone with that.

Its a lot to tak in, to understand, that as a child I had to deal wiht such big issues alone! How the hell did I do this? I never had the adult part of me that i have now? maybe I'm angry at myself too?

But I did the best I could with what I had. I'm angry my mothers dumped their %#@&#! on me, I'm angry I had that happen. It doesn't matter how many firends and help I have now, it wasn't happening then! I needed someone, that someone wasn't there! Mums abandoned me how dare they do that!!"