It's because of a lack of gratitude and love and constantly being ignored no matter who I go to and how hard. I want a quality relationship to happen, I take every avenue necessary even if I don't like it. Just to feel loved.

Desensitized, not by people, I should of clarified, by the way they put me in this lowly state when I tell myself I'm not like this. When I do hate myself and scream hateful things in order to vent. The pain I'm going through just to fill the quiet of the people who constantly ignore me.

I wish I wasn't so lonely, but I can't be anymore blunt as it appears to me. The whole situation hasn't changed. It has to be me, and I constantly tell myself it's me. I want to find an answer of why and fix this if it's myself or move somewhere else and feel like I am loved. Deep down, when my therapist tells me only I can love myself. It's deep and meaningful, it's probably me not accepting the truth I'm in a fantasy world, just to escape the harshness of that people don't like me. If they did they would want to be around me. I wish my mother is so proud of me, even if she says she is I can't understand why I can't accept it. I can't understand that side either.

I don't know, I've not had healthy relationships, because my early life is exposed on how true compassion and love come from people who perversely use you up till your dried and useless to them.