Oh my God, isn't guilt the worst? It's like a monster eating you from the inside. I was always sensitive to feeling guilt, even as a little boy, but then when the thing with my sister happened (psychiatric hospitalization), I became 50 times more sensitive to it, to the point it disabled my natural and spontaneous emotional reaction. For a guilty person, being involved in a trauma is the worst.

Example: So somebody keeps calling me and I lose it one day and like say something, like, "X, please don't call me again today, I'm busy. Like I told you several times last week, I don't like it when you keep calling me like six seven times the same day, okay?" As I'm saying it, I notice my own angry tone, start turning red and sweating, feeling totally tense, and also can hear the footstep of guilt. I can hear guilt whispering things, "you know she is lonely...you know she is going through stuff...what if you broke her heart...what if something bad happened to her." I end up worried about her all day and then next day too and might even be the person to call her and just to make sure she's okay. And this happens with everybody, like everybody is fragile, or maybe I'm so angry or dangerous that I can damage people who are doing just fine. Either way, my body essentially tells me the safest thing is to never express anger because I can damage people pretty good.

It can be really tough to fight the guilt. Really tough.