Every time it's a perception problem, or something that's has to deal within me, I beat myself up and tell myself I should of known no one's going to love me.
But if it's something wrong with them, I feel like a used piece of idk.

Is this what I am supposed to feel?

I'm used to being excited for casual relationships going every direction, I'm traumitized and at the same time filled with a rush of pleasure from the hell I'm going through.. It's like I need to feel this or else I'll kill myself and that the true peace and love that everyone is achieving is not going to be my dream come true. No matter how much success and money I get, because I wanted someone to love me when I needed them the most and they were never there and still aren't.

My pain is bad, many days, I just want to be a boy I used to be and die then. I don't want be old and I don't want to be a live, because I miss my mom who I remember who fought for me. I miss my dad who even though he didn't pay attention it seemed like everyone and everything was much more positive in my mind and people I looked for guidance, but they were the same people who weren't encouraging me or telling me how good I did. They always asked what's wrong and tell me how I should of done it better.

Like my rapist who beat me a lot and told me how worthless I am.

It's the fact, I wanted a girlfriend, and find out what my sexuality was if I'm bi or not. Which I know I'm bi, but I don't want any relationships with anyone because of this. I don't think I'll ever be in the position of happiness to draw them in what I'm expected to.

It's that fear of abandonment I've grown used to that feeling of that people really want to show you the ugliest sides of them, because they can't tell you what's wrong with them they want you to figure it out for yourself.

I didn't want to grow up to be a strong man, I wanted to be me. I don't want what people expect me to be, but that's the only phrase and idea that gives me hope.

I wish people really heard my story. I wish I wasn't told, "I'm sorry that happened, but that's in the past let it go." When I see everywhere people getting the satisfaction of justice served and that people care. I'm told to shut up..

I was raped... I was beaten all through out my childhood by people I called friends.. People I loved and wanted in my life . They were the men I looked up to, I dated girls who resembled that, but were more broken individuals deep down and satisfied me in the most pain I've wanted, because I was conditioned at a very early age. I'm not normal and that I've been doing this for years trying to get out, but my subconscious and body think I'm safer when people abuse me as a punching back or a sexual object.

This is pain people don't see about me, this is pain I wish people really knew. This is something I've tried to tell you. I'm not a cry baby and I'm worth something, but no they only care about shutting me up because I have to be strong. "No seriously **** you!" I am strong and you question my strength because you are uncomfortable and want to keep me quiet.

How come all these people have their cold cases reprimended and taken seriously by congressmen. I hear about these female rape cases that are horrifying for anyone to hear, but mine. No I didn't get that reaction, I got. You are a worthless human and you are a fag and you don't deserve love. Seriously by a town of people and my whole life people misunderstood me. I would rather die for what I know is right for me, than submit to this forever.

Can't anyone see this.