They tell me they love me, they don't show it in their tough "love". It's just pushing me to the side and not getting any encouragement or being validated or recognized for my growth. It's just shut up and if you open mouth again I'm calling the cops, or beating you up, or going to leave you.

That's not tough love, that's seriously abuse. I don't what else to say.

I don't know why people don't see it. I know I'm projecting on here. It's what I scream with conversations with nothing expecting the feeling that hasn't come to come. That feeling I can relax and that something is happening for once from my pain and efforts of dealing with it as long as I did.

My sister tells me in a weird tone, "I'm surprised he is a live now as he is. I surely believe I'd grow up as an only child if my brother killed himself at 8 years old by hanging in a classroom or whatever means." The fact my sister remembers those feelings shown she cared, but it's how she said it in a sarcastic tone that wasn't meant to be funny came off very rude and insensitive intentionally. It's like people have used me as a some type of example of inner strength pedestal to prove how awesome they can achieve and inspire people on their own lives, because I inspired myself to keep my ticker moving even though I can't stand being alive and everyone knowing my hell I lived with like it's some fable from a past story time.

It feels so painful, that people objectify me like this and expect me to be grateful of them.

No you're just assholes.