So I've been quiet the last few weeks, had an accident of the bedroom variety. The 2 week wait was horrid, plus the stress and anxiety from never knowing when I start work, its just all made my depression worse.

I was really hoping that I'd get to be a mum, even if it wasn't planned, but today, auntie flow showed up early. I'm devastated. Being a mum and having a family of my own is all I've ever wanted, those of you who read my first post know why given what I've been through.

I can't stop crying and can't lean on anyone for support, my partner is amazing but I know deep down he is happy about this. I can't bring myself to let my hurt out to someone who is potentially happy about my pain.

I can't keep it all in because I've learned the hard way that its destructive. I know this may seem silly to some of you, but its all I've ever wanted.

I seriously just want to just curl up in my duvet and stay there, and I'm fighting the urge to sh, I've had 2 slip ups recently and I don't want another. Maybe I should get my meds turned up a notch.