Yes. As per my other thread I can't swear with certainty on anyone's grave that I have csa in my history, but I think I do, and I definitely know that the emotional abuse really messed with my sexuality as well.

I embraced it and tried to recreate it all on MY terms. It was something I needed to do, but I would not do it any more nowadays. I am thankful that my predilections for masochism and degradation are mostly gone, usually only cropping up at very low vulnerable moments in my head.

The way I am now is I want to learn how to have healthy, non-masochistic, loving sex. Not because I think sex always needs love - I certainly don't! To add further confusion I have loved and been loved in my key sexual relationships in the past, but now my definition of love has changed I think, and what I want and would be prepared to compromise on have changed with that.

I guess for me, it's almost like art school, where you learn how to draw and paint traditionally before you experiment with more abstract stuff. You have a solid foundation of the training in excellence to draw from and compare and find your niche as an artist. I want to learn how to have passionate satisfying sex with love, gentleness and absolute respect as the main driver. With us as people being the main focus of why we're having sex, not the main focus being the kinky, creative activities. Not using sex purely as recreation, and happening to love the person coming (ahem) second to that.

I'm waffling, and not sure I'm making sense. BUT anyway now I know what I want to learn - still have no idea how to go about learning it. I have thought about booking an appointment with a sex surrogate to try and learn what gentle, normal, respectful sex feels like. Even though there'd be no love there, it might be a start.