I've been a member here for a while. I've not posted in a long time. I've been trying to sort things out. I'm currently taking a conflict management course so I can better my own strategies in dealing with my husband. Long story short, I laid it bare a few months ago that I want to leave this relationship if he does not start doing his part and being an equal partner in the home. I let him know I plan to leave after our youngest graduates high school. Since then, he's been stepping up more, trying to woo me with gifts...but he's still dependent upon me to assist him with his college work, and he seems unable to accept that normal people study and take notes while in school, they don't just come home and ignore their books and then sleep for 6 hrs., and then expect their mate to use their brain and help them get a passing mark last minute on a quiz. I've been clear and assertive in my communication with him, but he seems to just take my 'help' for granted.

Now, I may seem cruel, but his behavior does not make me very attracted to him anymore. He's also getting fatter and fatter and the doctors have found more things wrong with him recently. Thankfully, he does not want sex too often because he is practically physically unable. I told him that I am willing to be friends and partners in caring for our kids and our home, and we still laugh and watch movies together and stuff. It's not all bad, I suppose. But, I'm still rather young and he's 10 years my senior. I still want sex from a man, and I'd like to feel attraction for the man I married, but I can't. So here is my juvenile little inner demon: Now, I secretly despise men because I feel abandoned on some substantial level by my husband. I can't respect him. The love I have for him is like the love I have for a really, really close friend. It's not 'love' love. I feel like, if he can just try a little harder, he might recapture my heart. But seeing him like Jabba every day, not caring about his mind or his health, makes it hard for me. I stay fit for myself but also to motivate him. It hasn't worked so far. I can't stand seeing men. If they look at me approvingly, I feel aggression. I guess simplistically, I feel like "where were you before I met fail??" I don't know how else to say it.

So, I'm also jealous of the women I see out and about with fit, seemingly caring and capable men, when I feel like mine is just inept and weak. Again, childish, I know. It's not their fault my life sucks. He was not like this when we were dating and when we first married. Exact opposite. He let his disabilities break his mind and his spirit down. I'm throwing the biggest pity party and I don't care. I keep thinking maybe I deserve this because...I don't know. Somehow, I obviously do because I'm going through it. I've been faithful and good to him despite it all, even though I laid down some boundaries because it's not like 'that' anymore. Maybe I'm just a terrible woman and this man is all I deserve. I just wanna give up sometimes.