Three things I would say:
1) Talk with someone who understands, even if they are on this forum.
2) You said "someone who is potentially happy about my pain". I think it would be better to say "someone who is happy when that same result causes me pain". The two are not the same, although I am guessing that is what you meant, no?
3) If you want children and you are with someone who you want to be a father to your children, talk to your partner and tell them how you feel so that you can look at your plans down the road. If you already have, where do your feelings measure with them?