hey,

i am not english native speaking so i apologize for the somewhat weird formulations at times.

i was 1 year ago diagnosed with skitzotypical personality-disorder. which i somehow accepted. i definitely have issues coping with longterm friendships and am very suspicious regarding people's intentions. I do art, and ive allways enjoyed being by myself and create stuff, but since everybody else seem to be seeking company of others I feel that's what im supposed to do as well. I manage to go out and be "social", but most of the time I really think to myself "what am I doing here". It feels like im wasting time somehow.

also my mood goes up and down like complety crazy. however i feel it more intense and i feel it more as a "real" feeling when im sad. like im more home in my own body.

i really dont know how to be happy. cus its a split situation all the time. when im choosing myself I feel bad because i let down my friends, and when im with them then most of the time i feel just empty inside.

I cant help but wonder if i wasnt in this society it wouldnt be a problem. doctors kept telling me that the only way to deal with this (since its a personality disorder) is to accept how i feel. but how can i accept what i feel when its allready beeing put in a box as something to treat?

i guess its who I am and i dont really know why im writing this. I guess im just looking for someone who's thinking like me and want to hear how they live their lives with such feelings and thoughts.

i would be very gratefull to hear from someone.

bests