Sometimes we need to get inpatient care when things get hard to handle and when you need a starting place. It sounds you have been dealing with this for awhile now and getting a t is a good start. Being inpatient (if possible for you) can help to get you on the right track. They can at least, hopefully, set you up with resources to get you on the right track. It sounds like you are in a difficult place and need help, it is scary to think of going to the hospital but sometimes it is a necessary evil. I have no training in the mental health field and all this I am speaking from experience. You have to start somewhere and regrouping and finding out your options may help. Hugs