Today my T wanted to talk about ''our'' relationship, and it made me feel like I am going to lose my mind. I felt sick. I couldn't tell her anything about my feelings toward her, I felt like if I say one more word, I am going to die. I almost cried (that's big, because I have never cried before, no matter what we discussed).

I have an attitude that I think, looks like I don't care, don't feel anything towards her,.. The truth is, if I was religious, she'd be my god. I mean, she could do whatever she wanted with me and I'd still adore her. I really find myself in this quote: Even if you slit my throat, I'd thank you for touching my skin. I know it's wrong and not okay and all that, but the feelings are just getting more and more intense and I feel like I can't control it.

This is what I wanted to tell her today when she was asking me stuff, but wasn't able to. And I can't even imagine telling her ever. ->

That I am terribly afraid that I told her everything I feel towards her and she wouldn't care. And I don't even know what she'd have to do to make me feel like she cares, and it makes it all so much harder. That if she does now, then she'll stop tolerating me and the more I'd try to be bearable for her again, it would just annoy her even more. And I can't make her care if she doesn't, I can't make her like me again and it makes me desperate. Not desperate in a way I'd do everything for her to love me, but desperate in a way that I feel awful feeling like that, and can't do anything about it. I can't leave her and I can't stay and be with her. It's awful. And I get too sensitive. And I am really easily hurt very much and my responses are too intensive. And I understand that I am only a part of her job and shes my whole life and that it's never going to be a two-way road. And this whole thing started with the intention of ending, so what's the use of me putting everything I have into it, and then have it all end? And that I love her and I love her and she's everything to me.

I needed to vent because I feel like I am walking on very thin rope lately, and it'd be too simple to fall into the black hole. I hope this is not too confusing. I'm not in a good place mentally and in addition to that, my English is not well. I am grateful to everyone who will take time and read this and/or comment.