There have been many similar posts on this forum. If you spend some time - hours, not minutes - finding them and reading them, you will see that your situation is not unique and that many people have been in your shoes. Hopefully that would help. Another thing is that you will need to experience your feelings without judgment and without trying to alter them or suppress them in order to actually see what they are and where they lead you. In other words, as long as you have a preconceived agenda, your views would be skewed by it. If you allow yourself whatever feelings you experience, without judgment, then you will actually learn something about yourself and those feelings.