Stalwart,

As you see, a lot of people who have responded to you wonder how the two of you got together in the first place. Apparently, when she was not on her turf, she acted differently.

I have also noticed that you use the passive voice a lot when describing her. You do not say:

- she said
- she did
- she asked

but rather you say:

- I am being told

and more of "I am this" and "I am that".

The impression I get is that of ritual abuse. I do not know much about ritual abuse except that it is one of the worst kinds of abuse in terms of the challenges of treatment. Mind control also comes to mind. The thing is, when you write "I am told that", it almost sends shivers down my spine to read it and picture it - as if the whole universe around you and not just your wife were telling you this or that. As if you were completely trapped. It does come with being gaslighted, but it seems that in your case gaslighting is especially pervasive.

Why don't you read this to see if it rings a bell?
Mind Control: Simple to Complex « End Ritual Abuse