It's from me being raped many times, got no justice out of it. I was told to suck it up. If I was a woman, and that happened to me. There'd be hell to pay. It's not like that everywhere, but here people don't take it seriously at the time when I was raped by another male.

I'm angered, and still angered the people who hurt me aren't in jail. The people who love me really were more selfish than I ever was. The friends, I got close to only care about things I'm always disinterested in. I'm trying to find my place. I don't like the groups I'm with, I know a lot of people and a lot of people have nice things to say about me.

I don't feel it. I don't feel a connection just words. Even my closest friends, they never understand why I like them around me male and female, because I am grateful, and they think I'm either too much and I am, because I'm not their type and we were never really friends in their heart and mine.

It's like I can't get upset, I'll get yelled at. Last night, I was wailing upset and not responding letting my shame of wanting to feel go down my face out my nose and trail all over my body. I felt useless and my mom was asking what's wrong and I'll never tell her in those moments, because she gets angry when I do and she gets angry when I don't. My friends are the same way.

How can you love me if you always treat me like I have to be expected to be what you want? I'm not the person who I am, I'm the person you only want to see. Even if it's a positive thing and I get angry, because they assume I'm ungrateful. I'm not, I'm tired of being treated like I'm not there I'm not a person.