I've been trying really hard to be open and friendly to people, hoping that will make me realise that there's no need to be avoidant and that I can easily find friends and maybe eventually a partner from a friendship. But I'm finding that I'm trying really hard to put myself out there but I genuinely feel that I am trying in vain, it's almost as if everyone knows how hard I am trying and shun me for being too desperate to be friendly. But it doesn't make sense because I'm not even doing that much, just doing more than I usually would, but it's making me stupidly paranoid. I'm tempted to go back to my completely aloof, disinterested and avoidant self who doesn't initiate anything whatsoever, but back then I was happy with it, and now I couldn't be so happy completely being so alone.

Also, I am starting to have recurring thoughts of hopelessness and existentialism, and they are overriding everything else because I once again realise how pointless life is in general. I'm getting older, my parents are getting older, and sigh.. I guess it helps to know that anything I do is pointless anyway. I honestly feel like I'm just sitting around waiting until all the positivity is drawn out of me and I die.