This year began with everybody in the hospital. My grandma's sister needed to be taken by ambulance and we are the only relatives she has. My aunt couldn't even walk for a few weeks and finally hoer husband, who has been like a father to me ended up in the hospital for two weeks, recovering only after a few months from what seemed to be dementia, but the doctors could never tell what he had exactly. Two months ago their dog died and it shocked me because I feared my own dog's death. Two weeks after the dog died, my uncle had to be taken again to the hospital because of high blood pressure levels. Just like the first time. Doctors still don't have a diagnosis. Saturday, my dog finally died and after so much pain, that it seems like my worst nightmare came true.

I'm an only child, so my dog meant the world to me. He was the closest to a brother I have ever had. And as a teen I always longed for a brother who would play with me. My dog was that furry brother who played with me, who was always loyal to me, my best company, who wiped the tears from my eyes... My brother. He was old enough to die, he was 16 years and a half old, but I can't seem to process that he's gone. It's like I'm in denial, pretending nothing has happened, but in a very strange way. I know he's not here, I keep looking at the dozens of pictures and videos I have of him, but I can't really feel that sense of emptyness, I don't fully realize that there is someone missing in here. And I was almost glad he died. I kept thinking that it means less work, more money, more time for myself... But it made me feel the worst person in the world and at the same time I kept thinking that I would trade all that for my dog being with me.

My mother is also grieving, but she loses herself into housework. She rushes from one side of the house to another cleaning and organizong things. She has OCD and I know that keeping herself busy is her therapy, but sometimes she leaves me by myself because the dishes are more important to her. And I hate it. I have tried to be understanding and supportive, but she is a very cold and distant person.

And I'm angry. I really am. When my dog fell sick, I had to drive to a pharmacy to buy oxigen and I got caught in a fight with another driver just because I was so outraged for my dog's condition. Now I'm being rude to my mother, I kinda reject my female dog, who by the way is even more sad than we both are, and last night I was talking to a friend whose father died that morning and my mother thought I was fighting over the phone because of the tone of my voice. Finally, my mother and I fought the whole night and she is really mad at me. Today I woke up with what feels like a hangover, feeling sad and ashamed. But I still feel strange about my dog's death.

I thought I was fine, but it is clear that I'm not. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to fully understand that my furry brother is dead, but I can't. I don't want to fight with my mother anymore. It is a promise I made to my dog. I just want to grieve in peace, not by fighting. I'm overwhelmed by all the stuff we've through. Problems everywhere, problems that don't seem to have a solution, problems that have haunted me the whole year. I believe it is normal that I have so much anger, I believe that it is justified that I want to punch the next person to cause me trouble right in the face. I have been in survival mode for so long, that I can't seem to be able to cry and let myself have a break. And I also think that I'm not dealing with this in the best way.