I am grateful for all of the conversation. It is helping me to think things through. I still feel fuzzy about it all though. . .

One thing I want to clarify is that I have no problem with the give and take of friendship. In fact, I've been more of the "giver" in my friendships thoughout my entire life. It's easy for me to listen to other people's problems and empathize with them. I feel for other people's pain, and I am drawn toward wanting to help. That is easy for me. The hard part is for me to ask anybody else for help or support. The only time I ever did that was when I had my terrible breakdown and was really sick. Then I had no choice. Even then, I didn't ask - someone offered. But it turned out horrible...I mean very bad.

So that is why the t relationship for me is something that I need and can't replicate in real life. It's the only place where I feel able to talk about certain things and ask for help. . .and even then, it is like pulling teeth because iI feel guilty for possibly being too much of a burden even to my t. I have such a protective side of me that I even defend myself against getting too attached to my t because my empty hole inside is so big that I am afraid if I even let myself begin to ask for a little bit of my t's caring and actually "take it in," it will feel so good and like such a relief that I will get too attached and love her too much, and then it will devastate me when we terminate. That fear has actually kept me from being able to allow myself to use my t for what I need, to let her comfort me, etc. And that is like the saddest thing in the world to me because I know that our time is running out soon, and if I am never able to "let her in" enough to help me get my needs met, it will eventually be too late and I will never heal.

I am between a rock and a hard place. I am too afraid to get what I need in t. And when t is over, I most definitely will not be able to open up and confide in a friend the way I do in t. Like I said, I have no problems with giving in a friendship. If anything, I give too much to others and don't let anybody meet my needs. In t, I need, even for a short time, to be a "taker." And yet I cannot allow myself.

I need something in t that i may never again have a chance for - so yes, it is going to be devastating to me when it ends - even if I never let myself "have" my t in the first place.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to others.