Thank you Angelique. After talking to a friend, I realized I'm blaming everyone and everything for his death. I blame my mother, I blame myself... I even blame my other pets for being alive. It's like I'm angry at God, like I hate life or fate for taking those I loved the most. And I'm reliving my dad's and my grandpa's deaths. But finally I realized that I'm just too angry at life itself for that. It's been kind of a relief and I finally could cry.