Hi Bhugz,
I’ve thinking too about your previous post where you mention the “split” of your projected good and the suppressed bad feelings leading to a sense of confusion and distrust of your own assessment and that of others too.

“i mean, i tried having a super angelic front so that others may see all my good qualites, while having really bad feelings inside.
my smiles would not absolutely coordinate with good feelings.’

“my feelings always confuse me.
this led me to stop trusting my own judgments and that of others too.”
i always had the feeling that others, esp. those who are close to me, are backbiting me.

You highlight your suspicion that those in your inner circle are “backbiting” you. Bhugz, consider for a moment that your analysis might be distorted by your anxiety. I suggest it is paranoia, a reflection of your negative perception of yourself and the assumption that that is how others think and feel about you. Many times we project our own thinking onto others, usually with inferior results. It is difficult to accept good will from others if we can’t perceive our worthiness. No one could really love me because I'm not lovable??

“and sometimes i'm not sure with any feeling that i have.
if i begin to feel that i am good or i have made something good... there's always that bad feeling underneath.”

Your turmoil is relative to your confusion when trying to reconcile the “good” and the “bad” with in yourself. In my own experience, when I have unpleasant thoughts and subsequent feelings about myself and/or others. I can frequently neutralise such feelings by going back to the root and seeing where I have potentially distorted a very limited view of events. Similar to the house guest complaining about the noise in one of my stories, we tend to look for black and white interpretations of good and bad, right and wrong. If I go into it further I can forgive myself for having a limited [me] view and then broaden it to encompass other [potentially pleasant] outcomes as equally plausible.

When we hold a positively negative view of ourselves it is hard to imagine overcoming it because or the very nature of how we perceive situations, which we then hold up as evidence and justification for our position. For myself the challenge is to arrest the distorted thinking before I run too far with it where it balloons out and becomes consuming. Such mindsets are difficult to over ride when we have spent so much time reinforcing them.

Congratulate yourself Bhugz. You have clearly put effort into living in harmony with others by living your better nature. As they say “Put your best foot forward”.

As Nowheretorun has explained we must love all of ourself; the good, the bad …and the ugly! While we refuse to process and express parts of ourselves we effectively suppress those aspects which we fear make us unlovable. We develop our own secret self! Secrets, like lies produce an associated anxiety – the fear of discovery!!

The longer we travel this path we anticipate rejection if others knew the “real” me lurking under the good/happy mask. What we lock inside stays inside and we allow that to represent that which is “inside us” …the “real me”. Somehow, the energy we use to suppress those aspects which we fear, elevates them out of proportion, invalidating and nullifying our better nature in the process. We can feel “split” and confused. Doesn’t the pleasant nature you have allowed yourself to express, originate from inside also?

Rightly, we find others will fairly consistently respond favourably to honey over vinegar but that is not to say that vinegar should be denied expression. Feelings give rise to thoughts and inversely thoughts give rise to feelings. In my experience, my responsive feelings, though predictable can follow an irrational path. I can more easily apply rational analysis to my thoughts. Get in the drivers seat Bhugz. When we become conscious of our feelings and thoughts, thoughts and feelings we are better placed to integrate and process them to favourable outcomes.

Nowheretorun wrote of forgiveness. It is truly is essential for self love to arise embracing, rather than in spite of, our “failings”. Remember Babe Ruth struck out 4000 times, he is however an all time champion hitter of over 1000 home runs. The ratio is relative.

Balance and proportion are helpful keys to releasing us from our distorted self image. Consider too how very little we know of others and their “secrets”. Approach your “perfect” friend at college and she will have her own list of personal failings, she is however is not debilitated by them. Keeping them in balance and proportion she can carry herself with alluring confidence. “Rolling with the punches” is what we do when we are struck by a situation which initially throws our balance, we then adjust and rebound maintaining or regaining our composure.

I do not need to be right to feel good about myself. We are not all experts but that does not preclude us from having an opinion or comment on a given topic. Sometimes our ignorance becomes evident however that does not require us to apologise for breathing. I have learnt to defer graciously, “Hmmm, I didn’t know that.” No loss of face in that is there? It certainly doesn’t qualify me as stupid. Which is where you came in …feeling stupid. Bhugz, you know you are not stupid.

You do not need the approval of others to validate yourself. You need instead your own approval. Reflect on the many things you can do and know well and ask yourself how is that diminished by the things you don’t do or know well? It is not. The Desiderata reads:

“If you compare yourself to others you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.”

“i really wanted to learn
how to become motivated,
to converse with people
and to have long-lasting friendships.
i want to feel better and better everyday!”

Avoid comparing yourself with Princess Perfect and be comfortable being yourself, we all bring something to the table, as Nowheretorun explained you are uniquely you. CHOOSE to grow confidence and SELF esteem using all the strategies available to you and your social discomfort will likely fade correspondingly. Wilfully choose thoughts to counter your feelings of anxiety and those thoughts will erupt positive feelings and wellbeing. You will be going “from strength to strength”. It is rather like, as you say, hypnotizing yourself by introducing positives and accepting them through repetition, the same way the negatives gained their hold!

Regards Frances
PS sorry I’m behind the eight ball with my posting my computer is not performing as I would like and I have been losing a lot of stuff to cyberspace. I had this in a Word file, I hope it is not too repetitious like sending coal to Newcastle.

“My true self has been silenced ever since I was molested. And everything that the world has perceived about me was just my way to fulfill my need to survive and not to fulfill my own happiness.”

I hear in this more of what you said about your split feelings. Please consider my comments about giving expression to your anger and heartache, the pressure as it builds from inside will bring on an eruption. You can avoid such an outcome if you openly and honestly confront your feelings and thoughts. I really recommend you make contact with a therapist/counsellor/psyche to initiate a formal programme of healing. Like I have said in the forums before we can take steps toward recovery/management without having to touch bottom first.

You speak of humiliation and that is possibly a perpetuated feeling from your earlier experiences of being molested as a child. The child can not readily deal with such experiences and internalises it believing that to be their worth. Bhugz, you are entitled to so much more. As Nowheretorun has indicated we can become alienated from the very people whom can help us, so find ways to reach out to your family for help, understanding and acceptance. Know that they love you and what truly good things for you. Avoid looking down the spiral of misery and choose instead to look up the spiral of recovery to well being. Set small goals and pursue them. Do one then another. You will Bhugz go from strength to strength.

With sincere regard
Frances.