I've read from several sources about what an existential crisis is, now I think I get it. This pretty much sums it up:

"An existential crisis is often provoked by a significant event in the person's life — psychological trauma, marriage, separation, major loss, the death of a loved one, a life-threatening experience, a new love partner, psychoactive drug use, adult children leaving home, reaching a personally-significant age etc. Usually, it provokes the sufferer's introspection about personal mortality, thus revealing the psychological repression of said awareness."

Although I have had episodes of major depression, they cannot compare to this. As the quote above says, it can be brought on by psychoactive drug use. I have posted several times on this site about my battle with withdrawing and recovering from long term benzo use and I truly believe that it is the core reason. It's like someone has taken my body, cut off the top of my head, turned me upside down and shook everything out. Then put everything I ever was taught or learned in life in a blender and poured it all back in.

I truly do not know what to do with myself or what to think anymore. This is way beyond depression. So I get no comfort in previous spiritual beliefs at all. All I know is that I want something to change ASAP and do not know how to go about repairing my sick mind, body or soul. Most often I just wish for death to come about, but of course I am terrified of that prospect. I had a health scare recently and totally freaked out. I do not think I am well physically now because of all this, you cannot have a healthy body if you have a unhealthy state of mind in my opinion.

I truly believe that a therapist is not going to help me whatsoever so where do I go for help with this?