I had a really heavy session with LCM a few days ago. I've been struggling a lot recently and I have been bottling everything up inside because for some reason, stuff has gotten harder to talk about again. I couldn't sleep at all the night before and I started the session by asking for a hug. She asked if I wanted a hug right then. I asked her how many she'd give me. She laughed a little and said just one then asked what was going on. I just broke down crying (which is unusual for me to cry at all, let alone that fast in the session). I finally managed to really tell her what was going on. I told her that the flashbacks were worse, that I felt so alone in the world because I had no one to talk to about it, I told her about the intense body memories and how overwhelmed I feel about making a change in my life when I can't get myself to stop thinking about what happened. It was obvious that she was feeling sad and maybe withholding some emotions and it made me feel bad for hurting her. I told her that I felt like I was withholding stuff from her to protect her and she said she needs to know what I'm not saying. So I told her about the sui thoughts. I told her that they were passive and I didn't have any intent, but when I drink, I often get urges to attempt and it can be hard to control. I told her that when I called her drunk, I wasn't having urges to only self harm. Her eyes were completely bloodshot and she choked on her words, "if you killed yourself, it would break my heart" and burst into tears. It wasn't at all like when she's gotten starry eyed in the past. She was full on crying and I immediately started crying even harder, telling her I'm not going to do anything. It was just an extremely emotional session and I wanted to share.

One thing came up though when I told her about body memories. She thinks I need to go to OBGYN and talk to a doctor about the nature of the pains and have my first appointment. I am 21 and I've never gone. She thinks it would be beneficial to talk to a doctor about it and said if I make an appointment, she would come sit with me in the waiting room and help me if I get upset afterwards. I'm conflicted. I really REALLY do not want to go. I don't want a doctor to look at it or touch me in anyway. I don't want them to touch me there or my breasts. I'm not sexually active and I'm so scared of the idea. I read up on what they would do and that seems like way too much for me. But at the same time, I think it would be medically a good idea to make sure the pain isn't something more serious and I think that if I had to go, going with LCM would be the safest route. I just don't know what to do.