Trigger warning

And here it comes again down into depression suicidal thoughts. Passing and fleeing though they may be they are still there. I know they are. I have no intentions of acting out on these thoughts right now. I'm over this. I hate my job. Not really the job but my bosses. I don't want to go in to work. I'm ready to leave soon as I get there. I don't think I can do anything else. Maybe I should just let my mind do it's thing and stop being so controlling. I'm sure I'd do well. Wife is worried. She asked if I was safe. I promised. Can I let go and let it out? I can't because I won't go back together. If I let myself break wholly there won't be a me anymore. I wouldn't be able to function. I feel it when I crack like this. If I break completely I'll lose my job, my health insurance, our home, everything. So I must remain whole. If I break things will be bad. I don't even know what caused this. I was doing well, but I'm broken and there's no way to fix me. So this is life. I thought it got better as you age.