Today's session was bad.

My therapist wanted to talk about why I am worried about NY eve, he knows it is the anniversary of one of the times I was raped. I struggle with it so badly, and this year he will be away for a whole month, so won't be around for support. He wanted to talk about what is worrying me around him being away and how it affects me.

I told him no. NO. He pushed a little, gently, and explained I need to talk about the emotions a little at a time, as often as I need, that it's the way to healing. I told him that I didn't want to feel those emotions now, knowing that he will be on leave from next week also and it'll be 3 weeks before I see him. I don't need that sort of stress on top of final exams etc at university over the next couple of weeks.

But he drew me back there somehow........AND BAM!

I was gone, terrified, feeling like I was back there. I know I was crying and he said, when he got me grounded somewhat, that it looked terrifying for me. He tried to get me to talk as part of grounding me but I was gagging and could not speak. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't.

I eventually came back and calmed a little to find he was asking me how many different birds I could hear outside the window. I was so confused, I demanded(aggressively) what he was asking me about bloody birds for!

Oh dear, it was bad, I told him no, and it happened anyway. I left all in a fog, not really sure what the heck was going on and what he had said about being away next week or not. I was completely confused. I called from the car on the way home to talk to him I was so freaked out, sort of still back in my feelings, not really clear what was happening. He called back much later.....

And now, I'm all triggered to hell and back, and my therapist is probably away and it might be 3 weeks before I see him next. Why the HECK did he allow me to go there?

Sorry that was long, please bear with me while my therapist is away, not sure how things are going to go.